Thursday, July 26, 2007

Massachusetts must feel like a hungover 23 year-old girl the morning after a one-night stand.


Mitt Romney's been working hard to shed the "of Massachusetts" part of the "Former Governor of Massachusetts" bullet on his resume. For example, from his web site:
"The U.S. Supreme Court would see more conservative justices under a Mitt Romney administration, the former Massachusetts governor told an audience at the McKelvie Middle School last night.

"'I will tell you that this is a watershed point for the Supreme Court,' Romney said. 'And I will appoint justices like Roberts and Alito and Scalia . . . and Thomas.'

Has anyone else thought it odd that Mitt Romney was somehow able to swoop into one of the most liberal states in the union, romance her, make eye contact, give her an expensive dinner at a swank nightspot, then got her drunk and fucked her sport-sex-style in a calculated resume builder move for his presidential bid? It's almost like he said... governor of a state... CHECK! Now let's shed those liberal statements and grab them bible-belt Republicans with one liners like 'We should DOUBLE the size of Gitmo!'

The next morning, Massachusetts wakes up and in the cold light to realize Mitt was all ready gone without so much as a note, realizing she just did "the deed" with everything she actually loathes.

It must have been the cheap wine and the expensive suit.

Make up your own mind about Mitt HERE







I can't bear to blog about Gonzales... let's just let Stewart do it.



Daily Show: thanks for suffering through the latest in Bush/Gonzales bullshit, cause my eyes bleed when I look at his face. What a joke. Can anyone support this administration? Is it only the militant wing of the GOP left?







Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Is a good-looking president more important than a good president?


While at the gym a little while back, I met a lovely retiree named Sylvia. We chatted a little (as people at the gym who don't feel like being at the gym do) and somehow got onto politics. The Republican presidential debates were the night before. Going though the list of candidates, she was quite taken with Mitt Romney.

"He looks good, doesn't he? Very presidential."

And he certainly does. You can see him sipping brandy with Putin, giving the State of the Union, and would look dashing while threatening North Korea.

But it that the most important thing? In the age of television, we tend to choose our Presidents more like we pick a prom king (or now, queen). At the very least their "look" is an important part of the equation. Does he look the part? Does he look good in a suit? How's the hair; full with a trace of grey on the sides? Tall? How are the jowls? Maybe it's all a throwback to the alpha male syndrome. Maybe we want a leader who looks like he could kill a wolly mammoth and feed the tribe. Anyway, I'm not trying to make any specific judgements over these runners here, just saying let's not rule anyone out based on looks. We can always give the short guys a milk crate to step on when they get behind the podium.

Here are a few examples of people who might NOT make the cut these days based on the exteriors:

Bad teeth. Really bad. Plus he looks slightly femine. May be soft on terror. Plus Ann Coulter would tag him a "faggot" within a week.

A cripple? No way.

And you thought Kerry was too craggy? This dude looks like he got hit by a garbage truck.







Hmmm... I wonder how many people died of leprosy today...


Ever ask yourself that question? What about today's prison growth? Illegal immigrants crossing the border? The exact temperature of the Earth?

Wonder no longer. Thanks to the genius of poodwaddle.com, you can find out! They cleverly tie into several resources to get the data, and it's disturbingly addictive to watch.

poodwaddle.com

Thanks for this one Chris!







Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Why didn't somebody tell me Kucinich's wife was this SMOKING HOT???


I don't think I am shocking anyone with this: MEN ARE JUDGED BY WHO THEY ARE SLEEPING WITH. That said, Rep. Dennis Kucinich, Democratic third-tier candidate for president, NEEDS to put his 29 year-old tongue-pierced wife Elizabeth front-and-center. Dennis seems like a solid guy, he's says the right things, voted for and against the right things, and has the right attitude. On the down side, he looks like a garden gnome. In the world of political celebrity, looks matter, sorry to say. Blame JFK. But, like the concept that you can smoke coal out your ass but "carbon offset" that amount by planting trees or whatever, Dennis can use "gnome-offset credits" by getting this woman out front.

Dennis, Please accept this rough concept for your next poster (above).

No need to thank me... thank YOU. You give geeks everywhere hope.







Is it just me or does Gravel and Kucinich have a whole Jack Klugman/Tony Randall thing going?



Show of hands: who watched the YouTube/CNN debate? That many huh. Too bad, cause I thought it was great. I think any approach that differs from the status quo is good. They had YouTubers publish questions and used those to keep the Democrats off-balance. They will do the same to do the Republicans shortly.

What shocked me was Dennis K... did everyone know hot hot his wife was (yes, I'm obsessed)? He could offset his gnomey look by putting her more front and center. You have to hand it to a guy that can look like that but marry someone who looks like THAT. If he can pull that off, he can do anything. He's got my vote.

Gravel is also wonderful, as always. This guy has been around too. It's too bad he comes off like an angry Grampa, cause he's done a lot, including sticking it to Nixon with the "The Pentagon Papers", which is all but forgotten.

But them both on a ticket and you'd have the Odd Couple of American politics. Bet they'd do quite a good job too.











Monday, July 23, 2007

How do you measure up, part two...


Another interesting quiz which determines your party affiliation. This one takes a little more work and thought, but it got it right for me. Go Nader 08! :-/

http://www.3pc.net/matchmaker/quiz.html

Thanks again Chris.







How do you measure up?

Ever wonder exactly what you "are" politically? From my experience if you are 100% sure you are a "liberal" or a "conservative", chances are you're in the minority. If you want to take an interesting (and fast) quiz to determine what a computer thinks of your political leanings, here's a great little quiz:

http://www.theadvocates.org/quiz.html

Here's how I turned out. Pretty much as I imagined myself.


Thanks to Chris (Technology and Human Interaction Blog) for this as well as his always interesting and thought-provoking point-of-view.







Friday, July 20, 2007

Thank Goddess It's Friday. I'm exhausted.



Have a good weekend everyone. Thanks for visiting.







Go get "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows"... if you want to meet Satan.

You've been warned by the psycho bitch from Jesus Camp. The truth is stranger than fiction.









ExxonMobil Proposes Burning Humanity for Fuel if Climate Calamity Hits

No, not really (in public anyway), but "The Yes Men," a group of activists who infiltrate corporate organizations and events by pretending to be powerful people, claimed it was so during a presentation on June 14, 2007.

In what must be their best scam, they took the stage and promoted "Vivoleum", a energy resource created from dead humans.

As noted on Wikipedia:
The project, called Vivoleum would work in perfect synergy with the continued expansion of fossil fuel production. The oilmen listened to the lecture with attention, and then lit "commemorative candles" supposedly made of Vivoleum obtained from the flesh of an "Exxon janitor" who died as a result of cleaning up a toxic spill. The audience only reacted when the janitor, in a video tribute, announced that he wished to be transformed into candles after his death.

Here's a clip from the actual presentation:


The youtube clip above misses the tribute video of the person who became the candles, so here it is:


Thanks to Bill Moyer's Journal for reminding me about these dudes.

SOURCES:
YESMEN.ORG, indybay.org, Wikipedia







Can water quench the thirst for blood in Darfur?

Looks like a potentially HUGE (size of Massachusetts HUGE) water supply was found below sun-bleached Darfur.
BOSTON (Reuters) - A newly found imprint of a vast, ancient underground lake in Sudan's Darfur could restore peace to the region by providing a potential water source to an area ravaged by drought, a U.S. geologist says.

"What most people don't really know is that the war, the instability, in Darfur is all based on the lack of water," said Farouk el-Baz, director of Boston University's Center for Remote Sensing.

The potential water deposits were found with radar that allowed researchers to see inside the depths of the desert sands. The images, el-Baz said, uncovered a "megalake" of 19,110 square miles -- three times the size of Lebanon.

International experts estimate 200,000 people have died in four years of rape, killing and disease in Darfur, violence the United States calls genocide. Sudan rejects that term and puts the death toll at 9,000.

Widespread environmental problems are a root cause of Sudan's violence, the U.N. Development Program said in a report last month, noting that deserts had spread southwards by an average of 62 miles over the past four decades.
SOURCE: Reuters
Learn about the conflict at Wikipedia







Gravel tells Senate Dems to "stop showboating"


Seems like Presidential hopeful Gravel has had enough of the half-assed Congressional chess game they've been playing in Senate chambers.

Read the whole thing HERE but below is an excerpt. You may only know Gravel as a old guy with a sharp tongue and "why you silly whipper snappers" attitude during the past few debates, but he's been around the block or two, most notably for his interesting role as Senator/whistleblower during the outing of "The Pentagon Papers", which documented a series of deceptions regarding the Vietnam War's escalation (and was a deep blow to the Nixon Administration). Anyway, here's a bit of tough love for the Democratic Senators and their recent all-nighter over Iraq:
"I am glad to see that you have finally used the powers of the Senate to try to stop the war, but frankly I agree with the Republicans: this week's Senate sleepover was more theater than substance."
"Harry, it's time to get serious about forcing a constitutional confrontation with Bush even if it means canceling the Congress' summer recess. Can you do anything less after a number of Senators have publicly ridiculed the Iraqi parliament for not canceling their summer recess. But why should vacations matter when American and Iraqi blood is being needlessly spilled? We Democrats need real leadership right now - not political showboating. Your colleagues in the Congress are not going to like the tough leadership I am suggesting. But believe me if you're successful, and you will be successful, your leadership will make Senate history."

I have to say this guy makes sense. I think I'll drop $25 in his campaign till, if only to stand up for someone who isn't afraid to say something that isn't run through 20 polls first.

By the way, I highly recommend you give a listen to the very interesting story of how the Pentagon Papers were released to the public as told by Gravel and Robert West to Democracy Now. CLICK HERE.

We've spent years trying to collectively forget Vietnam, and this really intense story shows how much was on the line back then, though now all we think of hippie protesting and Credence ClearWater Revival tunes.

RIGHT: Mike Gravel in younger days.







Thursday, July 19, 2007

"...when you hate your enemies more than you love your children"

I don't know how many people out there have been introduced to the wonderful world of Farfour. He's a Mikey Mouse rip-off character used by Hamas to indoctrinate children via the short-lived TV show Tomorrow's Pioneers. He's been noted as telling children such things as: "You and I are laying the foundation for a world led by Islamists" and "We will return the Islamic community to its former greatness, and liberate Jerusalem, God willing, liberate Iraq, God willing, and liberate all the countries of the Muslims invaded by the murderers."


One comment on YouTube about the Farfour clips:
"This is the kind of stuff you indoctrinate your kids with when you hate your enemies more than you love your children. Nice."

Anyway, the show has taken some heat (imagine that) for it's "unusual" methods. Here's how they wrapped it up after getting pulled: He gets beaten to death by a thug from Israel for not surrendering the Palestinian homeland while childen watch the horror unfold on their TVs. Personally, I think Farfour was assassinated by Disney copyright lawyers posing as Israelis. Either way it's a good chance he's getting killed by a Jewish guy.



According to wikipedia, this isn't new:
"The use of cartoon-like mascots to promote violence on Palestinian television is not unprecedented. Other Palestinian children's programs have used the Mickey Mouse image to incite radical activities. A 1998 episode of the program The Children's Club on official Palestinian Authority television had a "Mickey Mouse"-type figure amidst children praising suicide attacks against Israelis."

Yeah, it's violent and full of bloodlust, and really sad that the kids are being brainwashed into hatred. That said, before we turn our rightous indignation to 11, let's remember we were pretty good at this game too:









Is there a difference between Farfour and Daffy Duck? I'm not sure. Seems to depend on what side you're on.

More on Falfour on wikipedia.







Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Republicans deaf to Democrat pleas of "Please sirs, may we vote?"

ABOVE: Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) speaks to the press, obviously upset the catheter inserted into his bladder gave out. "Now look what they made me do, I'm gonna smell like piss for the rest of the half-assed fillabuster!"

In a desperate last ditch effort to assert their majority on the all powerful Republican minority, the Democrats, drunk with powerlessness and high on caffeine, made their plea:

"LET US VOTE... kay?"

"Yeah, seriously, it's down to begging to vote." Assistant Senate Democratic leader Dick Durbin said shaking his head. "Their otta' be a law preventing.... oh yeah.... never mind."

Alas, the hoped for "up-or-down" vote for an Iraqi troop pullout was not to be, as Republicans dismissed the proceedings as a stunt or "political theater." The Democrats are sadly lacking the extra few votes to make them a "super majority" of 60 votes, which could force a vote. Without that, they must resort to staying up all night.

Presidential hopeful John McCain, all ready weary from his recent campaign setbacks, told reporters: "It's just sad, I mean, you know what Hilary looks like when she's well rested, right? You should see her now... the bags under her eyes have swollen her lids shut and she can't even see where she's going... I personally had to escort her out of the men's restroom. I thought she was attacked by killer bees, for christ-sakes. It's just madness. Oh well, at least they still give a shit." He then yawned, sat down, slid a copy of the Washington Post over his face and caught a quick snooze.

And the Dems weren't just sacrificing sleep... Many Congressional pages, who at this point would be on the phone 24/7 to the UK trying to get an advance copy of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows for the Senate lounge, instead had to roll in cots, Visine, bags of corn chips and deodorant for their bleary-eyed bosses. "This is SO EXCITING," one bright-eyed page gushed, "I've never been up this late before... well, except for that party Congressman Foley threw, but that's a secret."


When asked why the Democratic minority was not half this powerful when the roles were reversed, Durbin, still slapping himself in the face to keep awake, could only quietly whimper and pile more Speed Stick under his armpits (he sadly missed his underarm, smearing antiperspirant across his forehead). "I'm so tired.. this worked so well in Mr. Smith Goes to Washington," he whimpered, clutching his 'Let Us Vote' sign and a can of Red Bull. He then limped away into the cold dark senate chamber.







Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Democratic Senators work all-night to lovingly handcraft bill worthy of Republicans to toss into garbage.

ABOVE: Senate Majority leader Harry Reid, delirious from lack of sleep, calls a 3:24 AM press conference to announce aliens are contacting him through the coffee machine.
WASHINGTON (Reuters) - With cots and pillows as well as pleas and warnings, the Democratic-led U.S. Senate debated through the night a plan to end the Iraq war.

Republican leaders, using a procedural hurdle, seemed certain to stop a Democratic proposal backed by a majority of the Senate to withdraw U.S. combat troops by the end of April 2008.

A showdown vote on the plan is expected on Wednesday by weary lawmakers when they wrap up an around-the-clock session. Even if the withdrawal measure were to be passed, it likely would face a veto by Republican President George W. Bush.

But the debate underscored mounting opposition in Congress to a war most voters no longer support, as well as Democrats' frustration over their inability to stop it.

"Republicans will need to choose whether they want to protect the president or protect our troops," Senate Democratic leader Harry Reid of Nevada said.

He said he hoped the all-night session would "focus attention on the obstructionism of the Republicans."

Senate Republican leader Mitch McConnell of Kentucky answered back, "The Democrats, unfortunately, are trying to undermine the efforts of our troops and restrict the ability of our generals to carry out their mission."

In fiery exchanges, Democrats noted that more than 3,600 U.S. soldiers have died in the war, now in its fifth year, and that a change in strategy was needed, while Republicans warned a troop pullout would embolden terrorists and increase the risk of attack on the United States.








Sunday, July 15, 2007

Where are the Bush '04 flip-floppers hiding?


So depending on which poll you read President Bush's approval rating is somewhere between 45% (Fox) and 29% (Newsweek). You can see the rating's HERE.

So, with all these people out there saying how much they are disapproving of Bush, it seems that is somewhere between 5% and 25% of people who voted for him in 2004 who are now disapproving of his performance. So WHERE ARE THEY? Are they too embarrased for being taken as suckers? Too proud to say they were wrong? I still see the "Bush/Cheney 04" bumper stickers on cars. I would be very interested in hearing from anyone who voted Bush in 2004 and now disapproves of him. I'd like to know what has changed since then and what made them change their mind. Do you regret your choice or just think he didn't live up to his promises?

If you are one of those folks, please leave a comment. I'd really like to know what swayed you to vote for him and what has made you change you mind. I promise not to call you a "flip-flopper"... again. ;-)







Remember when we'd just go to war without questioning it? Boy those were the days...


Just got this via mass email. A friend of the family sends tons of these... you probably have one too. The email goes on at length that Bush's strategy is fine, it's just this lazy nation that isn't up for it cause were all dazed by porn and easy living. This kind of thinking is based on some kind of nostalgic fantasy that the United States of the 1940s was somehow morally and ethically superior to the 2000s version. Let me just speak for myself in saying that if we had Nazi's or some other global force ready to invade the United States, and if a president like Franklin Roosevelt asked me to join the military to defend my country, I would go without question. The difference that this fellow doesn't get is that al Queda is not Nazi's Germany, and George Bush is CERTAINLY not FDR. Since WW2, we have fought wars for a great many reasons OTHER than saving the world (or your family) from fascism. And in the long list of "good old days" memories that the writer pines for, the internment of Japanese-Americans doesn't seem to be in this list. The good 'ol days weren't always good. I bet this guy has a lot to say about "that darn rock and roll making them worship the devil and turn them into sodomites."

MY POINT: People are willing to sacrifice, even their own lives, but don't expect them do it for nothing.

Anyway, here's the email:
"This really needs to be read and shared!
Subject: Bush's Error !!

I don't know who the author is but he makes some very good points...... President Bush did make a bad mistake in the war on terrorism. But the mistake was not his decision to go to war in Iraq. Bush's mistake came in his belief that this country is the same one his father fought for in WWII. It is not. Back then, they had just come out of a vicious depression. The country was steeled by the hardship of that depression. But they still believed fervently in this country. They knew that the people had elected their leaders, so it was the people's duty to back those leaders. Therefore, when the war broke out the people came together, rallied behind, and stuck with their leaders, whether they had voted for them or not or whether the war was going badly or not. And war was just as distasteful and the anguish just as great then as it is today.

Often there were more casualties in one day in WWII than we have had in the entire Iraq war. But that did not matter. The people stuck with the President because it was their patriotic duty. Americans put aside their differences in WWII and worked together to win that war. Everyone from every strata of society, from young to old pitched in. Small children pulled
little wagons around to gather scrap metal for the war effort. Grade school students saved their pennies to buy stamps for war bonds to help the effort.

Men who were too old or medically 4F lied about their age or condition trying their best to join the military. Women doubled their work to keep things going at home. Harsh rationing of everything from gasoline to soap, to butter was imposed, yet there was very little complaining.

You never heard prominent people on the radio belittling the President. Interestingly enough in those days there were no fat cat actors and entertainers who ran off to visit and fawn over dictators of hostile countries and complain to them about our President. Instead, they made upbeat films and entertained our troops to help the troops' morale. And a bunch even enlisted.

And imagine this: Teachers in schools actually started the day off with a pledge of allegiance, and with prayers for our
country and our troops!

Back then, no newspaper would have dared point out certain weak spots in our cities where bombs could be set off to cause the maximum damage. No newspaper would have dared complain about what we were doing to catch spies. A newspaper would have been laughed out of existence if it had complained that German or Japanese soldiers were being "tortured" by being forced to wear women's underwear, or subjected to interrogation by a woman, or being scared by a dog or did not have air conditioning.

There were a lot of things different back then. We were not subjected to a constant bombardment of pornography, perversion and promiscuity in movies or on radio. We did not have legions of crackheads, dope pushers and armed gangs roaming our streets.

No, President Bush did not make a mistake in his handling of terrorism. He made the mistake of believing that we still had the courage and fortitude of our fathers. He believed that this was still the country that our fathers fought so dearly to preserve. It is not the same country. It is now a cross between Sodom and Gomorra and the land of Oz. We even have the wicked witch of the west as the new Speaker of the House of Representatives.

We did unite for a short while after 911, but our attitude changed when we found out that defending our country would require some sacrifices.

NOW HEAR THIS! We are in great danger. The terrorists are fanatical Muslims. They believe that it is okay, even their duty, to kill anyone who will not convert to Islam. It has been estimated that about one third or over three hundred million Muslims are sympathetic to the terrorists' cause

Hitler and Tojo combined did not have nearly that many potential recruits.

We either win it - or lose it - and you ain't gonna like losing !!!"








Thursday, July 12, 2007

Beware of false idols in padded bras...

Most women seem to have a terrible self image of themselves. They are never thin enough, pretty enough, or whatever enough. Behold reality. This woman is some celebrity, no reason to post her name. If you saw her in walking down the street in the red hoodie, you wouldn't look twice. Just another human having a smoke jabbering on the cell. With the power of makeup and 25K worth of professional assistance, she transforms into a silver screen goddess. Which one is the "real" woman? Maybe both.

Cheer up ladies, it's not that you aren't pretty, you just don't have a team of stylists and wardrobe experts to make you look like this.


And if that doesn't make you feel better, look at this famous commercial showing a woman taken through the makeup and Photoshop gristmil to turn her from Plain Jane to insane in da membrane.








Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Mohammed Asha's Excellent al Queda Adventure

My uncle just sent this to me. It's really long, but really funny. Cause it helps to laugh at these morons... and crouching under your desk in the fetal position and wimpering won't help anyway.

**By Mohammed Asha, MD** Board Certified Gastroenterologist and former Jihad Associate, al Qaeda UK*

Ever have "one of those days?" Sure, all of us go through the occasional rough patch, but I swear there are times when I think Allah must really have it in for me. I mean, I know the "Big Guy" is supposed to have a sense of humor, but do I always have to be the punchline?

Take for example this last week. A few mates and I had been planning a big martyrdom weekend for quite a while; it's something we first began discussing a few years ago in medical school back in Amman. We were sitting around the dorm eating pizza, cramming for a big anatomy final, when Ali said "you know, after graduation, we should get together for something really big." We talked about a fishing trip to Canada or something, but most of the guys thought that sounded pretty boring. Abdul suggested a golf weekend in Cancun, but the all-inclusives there can get pretty pricey in-season. Hassan (who's really into motorcycles) suggested renting Harleys and going to Sturgis for the Biker Rally, but we heard that crowd can get pretty rowdy.

Anyhoo, Achmed finally says, "how about packing cars with explosives and killing hundreds of random infidels in a coordinated series of gigantic fireballs?" And we're like, /fuckin' A!/ Not only would we be it an awesome bonding experience (with plenty of Paradise poontang, LOL), we would be doing a valuable community service. Okay, so we high-fived and made a solemn promise that we'd target two years after graduation for the big weekend prank blowout.

I know how it usually goes with these kinds of fraternity things; what with starting up a medical practice, honor killing obligations, and starting a family, it's easy to lose touch with the old school buddies. But this thing -- /our/ thing -- was serious, you know? Thanks to email we were able to keep in touch and keep the plan going. As luck would have it, we all won Achmedinijad scholarships to do our residencies in England for the National Health Service. We got our families together most every weekend for backyard cookouts and self-flagellation and TV football matches. Afterwards me and the other guys would slip out to the garage for cigars, and to pack shrapnel.

So okay, the big weekend arrives, and the guys come over to my place bright and early, everybody's jazzed about rolling up some kufr carnage. All the propane tanks and propellant and nail cannisters are ready to go. I look at Ali and say, "okay mate, back up your car to the garage and I'll start loading it up." He gets this dumbstruck look on his face and says, "my car? I thought Hassan was going to do the martyrdom." And then Hassan does a massive spit-take with his tea, and he's like, "whoa dude, I rigged the cell phones, I didn't agree to blow up. I thought Achmed was going to do the blowing up." Then Achmed's like, "don't look at me, pal, I thought I was just providing the spiritual guidance. Plus my car's in the shop for transmission work." From there it just descended into this big shouting match. Holy frickin' prophet, two years of planning this prank and now everybody wants to pussy out on the actual martyrdom. Long story short, we decided to draw straws. And guess who wins? Yep, yours truly, good old sucker Mohammed, the same guy with a pile of charge card receipts for petrol and propane and hardware. The same guy who ended up having to host two thirds of the martyrdom planning parties at HIS house, because his good old college "pals" always have some convenient excuse about "kitchen remodeling" or "MI6 surveillance," and never lift a finger to help clean up the empty bottles or paper plates or the C5 mess. Well, you know what they say: no good deed goes unpunished. Then the other short straw get pulled by Bilal, and I'm like, oh, /great/. Now I'll be banging some celestial virgin with that wanker looking over my shoulder.

So, I'm like, "okay, whose donating the cars?" And these dicks just look around at each other, and ANOTHER big argument breaks out, because "I still have 28 payments left," or "it's due for a tyre rotation," or some other lame excuse. So we draw straws again to pick the explosion cars, and guess who wins? Yup, my Benz, the same fucking car I just paid £129.95 to have detailed. So I go to the house and tell my wife Jumanah about the whole deal, and here it comes -- /The Look/. complete with the whole exasperated eye roll and head shake. I swear, if her dad wasn't my uncle, I'd be tempted to smack that irritating sneer right off her face. So she's like, "fine, go have your fun with your lazy jihad buddies and your 72 virgins. Just leave me the keys to the Jeep so I can get groceries."

After that, I guess I was pretty much ready to get it over with. I called up the office and had them cancel the rest of my patient appointments for the day and drove the Benz to London, which incidentally cost me another £40 for gas and tolls. When I got to Picadilly and parked in front of the nightclub and called Achmed on my cell to let 'er rip. Nothing. I sat there waiting 3 minutes waiting for the cell phone detonator to go off, nothing. I saw a cop walking toward the Benz, so I hopped out and started booking it and almost got run over by a double decker. I got on the Tube, thinking I was safe, but then all the stupid racist kufrs started giving me the stinkeye because apparently they're freaked by panting Arabs smelling of gasoline. I got out in Ealing and went to the mosque where the other guys were supposed to be, and they're all standing around like a bunch of sheepish idiots. So I'm like, "WTF? What happened with the detonation?" Get this: Achmed, whose only job it was to call in a simple fucking detonation code, switched his cell carrier to get the new iPhone and forgot to transfer his goddamn detonation contact list. So I'm like, "how about Bilal? Did he explode? Please tell me exploded." The dopey expressions around the room told me otherwise. Faaaack. Now there's NO dead infidels, NO horny virgins, and I'm out one leased Mercedes with a £12,000 balloon payment.

So I go, "here's the deal guys. I just put my ass on the martrydom line, and it was Allah's will that it didn't happen. So why don't we just call it good, and try again in another two years." Crissakes, you would have thought I just took a dump in their falafel. They started talking about "Ummah Pride," and "giving it all for ol' Central Jordan U..."

So I said fine, let's draw straws again. Because, hey, what are the odds of me pulling martyrdom duty twice in a row? Guess I should have been a stat major, because there I was holding the short stick again. When Bilal pulled the other short stick, I just went ahead and volunteered my Jeep because I figured the way this day was going it was gonna get blown up one way or the other.

When Bilal and I got back to my house Jumanah had just gotten back from Tesco and was unloading groceries. "I thought you were supposed to be in Paradise by now," she said, in that stupid irritating voice. "Change of plans," I said. "We need to head up to Glasgow to blow up the airport." Here it came again. /The Look/. "Um, and we need to use the Jeep." /The Look/ X 2. "And our faces are all over the TV, so we need you to drive us." I won't even bother trying to describe her face at that point. We loaded up the rest of the explosive cannisters in the back of the Jeep and headed north on the M1 in the middle of the out-of-town holiday rush traffic. Jumanah pretty much seethed the entire way, complaining about the traffic and the gasoline fumes. Needless to say when we finally got to Glasgow and dropped her off at a roadside cafe, I was pretty much geared up for the sweet release of death.

Okay, so Bilal and I get psyched up, check all the equipment to make sure it's ready for a big boom, point the Jeep at the terminal, and mash the throttle. I'm shouting "Allahu Akbar," and Bilal's shouting "Allahu Akbar" and "Go Martyrs" just like the old pep squad days at CJU. And I'm thinking, "oil up them virgins Allah, 'cause Dr. Mo's luck is about to change." BAAAAM! Right into the glass.

I was probably out for a two, three seconds. Bilal and I peeled our broken noses out of the airbags, which meant we were still alive, which meant the goddamn cannisters didn't explode, again. Maybe we went through into the terminal and killed some infidels, I thought, then I saw we hadn't made it in more than a couple inches into the terminal. I mean, WTF? The Jeep salesman kept going on about how the Jeep was this awesome unstoppable American SUV that crusader cowboys use to bulldoze their way through mountain forests, with an easy payment plan, and the damn thing can't make it through a bloody plate glass window. I restart the engine and now the piece of shit just sits there spinning the tyres. "All wheel traction," my arse.

Okay, plan B. Bilal and I start pushing backup detonation buttons and cell codes. A couple of pops, but they were all duds. Then I see the cops coming at me.

As Allah is my witness, I really can't explain what happened next; maybe it was stress, or confusion, or frustration. Whatever the reason, I decided it was a reasonable idea at that point to pour a can of petrol over my head and hit the Bic.

Here's a handy tip from Doctor Mo: if you ever get a wild urge to start yourself on fire, /sit down and relax until it goes away/. Because (A) it's not a particularly useful method for killing infidels, and (B) it. hurts. like. a. motherfucker. So much that I almost enjoyed the distraction those high-pressure water canons and getting my lights punched out by that crazy mumble-mouthed Scottish baggage handler.

After that, I really didn't mind getting bludgeoned by those angry bagpipers. The sound was horrible, but at least they got the rest of the flames out. I was almost relieved when the cops were cuffing me face down on the pavement, because by that point I was pretty much reconsidering this whole college martyrdom pledge thIng and I figured the worst was over.

No such luck. Here's another handy tip from Doctor Mo: if your skin is half melted and bubbly hot, avoid laying down on any surfaces that aren't Teflon coated. And please note: the Glasgow sidewalks aren't. After a half hour with a spatula and ten cans of Pam, the cops finally got 95% or so of me peeled off the sidewalk. I looked down at my legs and realized that I'll be saving a lot of money on clothes from now on, because I'm sporting a permanent pair of melted-on black polyester trousers.

And then the kicker: I looked down at my package and noticed "Little Mohammed" was AWOL. As they were loading me into the the police wagon I glanced back over my shoulder and saw what was was left of him charbroiling on the sidewalk. A fat lot of good those 72 virgin are going to me now.

Final box score: I'm out one Mercedes, one Jeep, £2000 in miscellaneous bomb materials, three layers of skin, and one very low-mileage penis. Infidels killed: nil. So the next time you want to bitch to me about how bad your day is going, don't expect a lot of sympathy.

Well, gotta go. The interrogators are coming, and afterwards I've got an appointment to have my arse skin grafted on to my face. But I will leave you with one more handy tip from Doctor Mo: no matter how many virgins they promise, don't ever join a fraternity.

See what you’re getting into…before you go there. Check it out!

Note: The picture at the top of this post is the real Mohammed Asha, and I think the image above is also him, after his excellent adventure.







This Live Earth critic could make even the most humorless enviro-zealot laugh


National Review columnist Mark Hemingway makes some hilarious observations while watching a considerable amont of the Live Earth concert. You can read the whole thing HERE but I've pulled a few of the best lines. If you watched the show, no doubt you found something to enjoy, but I'll admit it had some silly moments. It's nothing new; I recall getting pissed during Live Aid when cameras would pan away from Black Sabbath so they could show MTV VJ's dancing like total jackasses.

If you are going to be an arm-chair critic, at least be this funny...


"Originally, National Review Online thought that I might want to attend the North American concert and report directly, but I’m trying to keep my carbon footprint to a minimum. Besides, the irony of traveling to New Jersey to support an environmental cause is a tad dispiriting."

"10:26: The first iPhone ad, of what had to be hundreds more to come."

"12:34: Live Earth is encouraging audience participation by scrolling the names of viewers who send text message on a large screen behind the stage. My cell phone sits impishly on the corner of my desk, patiently waiting for Heywood Jablome and Amanda Hugginkiss of Washington, D.C., to register their support in letters eight-feet high and luminous."

"12:59: Another PSA, this time horrendously exploited children prattling on about global warming. One very young girl bemoans that her children may never see a blue sky or green grass. It’s a full-frame closeup with tears streaming down her face. Naturally, this causes my wife to laugh uproariously. I knew there was a reason I married her."

"1:01: Daryl Hannah, who speaks in a voice so childish I wonder if Jackson Browne isn’t threatening her off camera, is explaining to a befuddled Karen Duffy how she’s been “living off the grid for sometime.” It takes me a second to realize she’s not talking about her acting career."

"2:49: Kevin Bacon introduces KT Tunstall in New Jersey saying Live Earth is the “biggest global event ever.” Really? Everyone in the house that remembers World War II wave your hands in the air like you just don’t care…"

"4:13: Czech supermodel Petra Nemcova, famous chiefly for her Sports Illustrated cover and being caught at a Thai resort during the 2004 tsunami which killed her fiancĂ©, takes the stage in London to explain that she wasn’t angry at nature, but that she saw the tsunami as nature’s cry for help. She wonders whether we will answer “the call of the nature.” So now we’re blaming earthquakes on global warming? "

"5:27: Ben Affleck does a PSA virtually identical to Holly Hunter’s about purchasing digital music. I officially smell a conspiracy." (Al Gore is on the board of Apple, Inc)

"5:55: John Mayer takes the stage. Mayer is Berklee College of Music grad and arguably the first virtuoso musician to take the stage today. For all of his technically impressive licks, every song the man writes makes my cochlea want to leap out of my head and dissolve themselves in a warm bucket of lye. "

"6:49: Al segues into introducing a “wonderful American rock band” the Foo Fighters performing in London. I’ll just note that the Foo Fighters last radio hit was a cover of Prince’s “Darling Nikki,” the song supposedly so obscene when Tipper Gore heard her daughter listening to it, she formed the Parents’ Music Resource Center and the ensuing congressional hearings forced the music industry to adopt parental warning stickers. Either she has no integrity whatsoever, or I’m imagining that concert organizers locked Tipper in a trunk under the under the stage with a ball gag in her mouth. "

Well done Mr. Hemingway







How much chicken do you think is in a McNugget?


Probably even less that you think.

More on this later: The Omnivore's Dilemma: A Natural History of Four Meals

Read it and youll never look at a cow, chicken, corn or grass the same way again.







Big dummies.


Bombing (or trying to) innocent people is the ultimate act of cowardice. One of these guys was clutching the Koran to his chest as he got his verdict. I don't think Allah would be too willing to help you, buddy, but good luck with that.
LONDON (Reuters) - A British judge jailed four men for 40 years each on Wednesday for attempting to carry out suicide bombings on London's transport system in a plot he said had clearly been masterminded by al Qaeda.

Judge Adrian Fulford told the four he had no doubt their botched attempt to bomb three underground trains and a bus on July 21, 2005, two weeks after 52 people were killed in similar attacks, had been directed by Osama bin Laden's group.

The second wave of attacks only failed because, although the detonators fired, the bombs did not explode.

"This was a viable, indeed a very nearly successful, attempt at mass murder," Fulford told the court. "These were not truly isolated events but ... coordinated and connected in that I have no doubt they were part of an al Qaeda inspired and controlled sequence of attacks."

The men, Muktah Said Ibrahim, Yassin Hassan Omar, Ramzi Mohammed and Hussein Osman, all Muslims of African origin, were found guilty on Monday of conspiracy to murder.

The men looked impassive as the sentences were handed down. As they left the courtroom, Osman clutched a Koran to his chest.

"At least 50 people would have died, hundreds would have been wounded, thousands would have had their lives permanently damaged, disfigured or otherwise," Fulford said. "The family and friends of the dead and the injured, the hundreds, indeed thousands, captured underground in terrifying circumstances -- the smoke, the screams of the wounded and the dying -- this each defendant knew."

All the men, who had come to Britain as refugees to escape war in their homelands, had claimed that the bombings were a hoax designed as a protest against the Iraq war. How about protesting the war you fleed your country for? Killing civilians is one sure way of getting people to rally behind the governments waging the war and making sure the troops NEVER leave Iraq.







Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Space is pretty too.


A large, panoramic image of the Carina Nebula taken with NASA/ESA Hubble Space Telescope's cameras. The image, released April 24, 2007, shows a 50 light-year-wide view of the tumultuous central region of the nebula. (NASA/ESA)

Is it just me or does the bottom center part of this image look like Aquaman?








I'm almost too bored to post this.

Haven't we all had enough yet?
Gonzales faces new firestorm in Congress

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - Embattled U.S. Attorney General Alberto Gonzales faced a new firestorm on Tuesday sparked by a report he may have misled lawmakers in 2005 about civil liberty violations by the FBI.

Senate Judiciary Committee Chairman Patrick Leahy, a Vermont Democrat, responded by promising that Gonzales would face tough questions about this and other matters at a hearing planned by his panel later this month.

And Rep. Jerrold Nadler, a New York Democrat who chairs a House Judiciary subcommittee, renewed calls for Gonzales to resign and called for the appointment of a special prosecutor to determine if he had misled Congress, "a serious crime."

But President George W. Bush brushed off the flap about his longtime friend, who earlier served as White House counsel.

"The president has said repeatedly that he has great faith in the attorney general, and that has not changed," said White House spokesman Scott Stanzel.

The Washington Post reported on Tuesday that Gonzales assured Congress in 2005 that the FBI had not abused powers granted under the anti-terror USA Patriot Act despite having received reports of potential violations.

Continued, and source on Yahoo! News.







Lots of pretty women...

Hat tipped to this fellow who created a morphing 500 year survey of women in art through the ages.



Someone with even MORE time on his hands than that dude actually made a list of the paintings in the movie. I have a Fine Arts degree and only caught 25% of them on the first go around. Nice music too, but I think Bringin' on the Heartbreak by Def Leppard would have been better.







Monday, July 9, 2007

What is pissing people off about Al Gore?


Call it the pendulum swinging the other way. Call it backlash. Over-exposure. But whatever it is, it's starting to hit Al Gore like a sledgehammer. It seems that critics everywhere are coming out slamming the Inconvenient Truth lecturer for his positions and recent actions, and the critics are not just the money grubbing oil barrens. Even writers like this guy seem in arms over Gore, in particular with his push for the recent Live Earth concert.

Some are even saying that he stole the whole idea of Live Earth. If so, at least he's recycling.

Folks, let's get a grip here. You may not like him because he's a democrat. Maybe you think he's somehow usurped the environmental movement from your drumming circle/off-the-grid cabal in Portland. Maybe you don't like him because he's rich. Too stiff... too white... don't like his wife (I'm no Tipper fan either... FUCK THE PMRC! We don't forget!!!!) Maybe it's because Al's fat. I dunno.

That said, let's face it, he just brought Global Warming, for a brief moment, to the front page above the fold. Can we just thank him for that?

If you don't believe in Global Warming, then just enjoy watching Shakira juggle her bum in HD. If you think this is just another conspiracy of the left attacking wholesome republicans in the mid-west, don't fret, because the left just elected a Congressional majority who can even muster enough power to make Bush fart in their direction.

Let's keep in mind he's been working on this issue for close to 30 years. He even went and signed the Kyoto Protocol, even if Clinton did not try and get Congress to ratify it. At the VERY LEAST, maybe 22 hours of rock concerts will make people think twice before tossing a plastic bottle in the garbage. Is he so bad? Really?








Mayer duels with cynics while Daltrey's sense of optimism manages to duh...duh...duh....die before he got old

THE LEAST YOU NEED TO KNOW: Two generations of musical talent, one ready to help change the world, one ready to roll over and die.


Even though the concert organizers seemed to have tried in ernest to keep the Live Earth shows as environmentally respectful as possible, the critics were out in force. Preceding and during the shows, there were many folks complaining about the massive "carbon footprint" of such a global endeavor. Among them, The Who's Roger Daltrey was noted as saying:

"Bollocks to that! The last thing the planet needs is a rock concert. I can't believe it. Let's burn even more fuel. Everybody on this planet at the moment, unless they are living in the deepest rainforest in Brazil, knows about climate change. My answer is to burn all the fucking oil as quick as possible and then the politicians will have to find a solution.”

He continued about the other famous shows in recent history, Live Aid and it's successor, Live 8:

"What did we really achieve at Live 8? We got loads of platitudes and no action. Who were we kidding there? At least with Live Aid, Bob Geldof was willing to work the trenches and they did save a lot of lives. We could see what we achieved at the end of it."

Um.. yeah... burn it all. Good idea. Actually, those dudes in the rainforests are suing oil companies for enviromental damage, Roger. At least Bob Geldof is informed when he is being a wanker.

At the other end of the spectrum, John Mayer, who performed at Live Earth, was asked about his "eco-sins." Mayer responded with a great line:

“I don’t know … but tell the editors back at Glass Half Empty that I said hey.”

Mayer continued:

“The conversation about the validity of the subject is a nice way to buy some time before you buy some bulbs.” Told that some of the fans were there more for the music than the message, he said, “It’s a very young movement…I also think it’s difficult to gauge the success of awareness ...you hope that two percent of that message will make its way in. We’re getting together saying we want to be healthier…I don’t understand what the competing argument is to, 'let’s try to slow down…[our use of] resources.' ”

He finished with another good line:

When another reporter delved into his personal life, he quipped, “I’m going to practice some conversation conservation there, and minimize my bullshit footprint.”

Something tells me that the baby boomer/Woodstock generation Daltrey belongs to isn't quite as sharp as some of these new kids.







Saturday, July 7, 2007

Stop global warming for Jessica Beal's sake

Don't we owe her that much? Look at everything she's doing for us. PS: Mare sure you zoom these. Even her pores are sexy.