Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Republicans deaf to Democrat pleas of "Please sirs, may we vote?"

ABOVE: Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) speaks to the press, obviously upset the catheter inserted into his bladder gave out. "Now look what they made me do, I'm gonna smell like piss for the rest of the half-assed fillabuster!"

In a desperate last ditch effort to assert their majority on the all powerful Republican minority, the Democrats, drunk with powerlessness and high on caffeine, made their plea:

"LET US VOTE... kay?"

"Yeah, seriously, it's down to begging to vote." Assistant Senate Democratic leader Dick Durbin said shaking his head. "Their otta' be a law preventing.... oh yeah.... never mind."

Alas, the hoped for "up-or-down" vote for an Iraqi troop pullout was not to be, as Republicans dismissed the proceedings as a stunt or "political theater." The Democrats are sadly lacking the extra few votes to make them a "super majority" of 60 votes, which could force a vote. Without that, they must resort to staying up all night.

Presidential hopeful John McCain, all ready weary from his recent campaign setbacks, told reporters: "It's just sad, I mean, you know what Hilary looks like when she's well rested, right? You should see her now... the bags under her eyes have swollen her lids shut and she can't even see where she's going... I personally had to escort her out of the men's restroom. I thought she was attacked by killer bees, for christ-sakes. It's just madness. Oh well, at least they still give a shit." He then yawned, sat down, slid a copy of the Washington Post over his face and caught a quick snooze.

And the Dems weren't just sacrificing sleep... Many Congressional pages, who at this point would be on the phone 24/7 to the UK trying to get an advance copy of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows for the Senate lounge, instead had to roll in cots, Visine, bags of corn chips and deodorant for their bleary-eyed bosses. "This is SO EXCITING," one bright-eyed page gushed, "I've never been up this late before... well, except for that party Congressman Foley threw, but that's a secret."

When asked why the Democratic minority was not half this powerful when the roles were reversed, Durbin, still slapping himself in the face to keep awake, could only quietly whimper and pile more Speed Stick under his armpits (he sadly missed his underarm, smearing antiperspirant across his forehead). "I'm so tired.. this worked so well in Mr. Smith Goes to Washington," he whimpered, clutching his 'Let Us Vote' sign and a can of Red Bull. He then limped away into the cold dark senate chamber.

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